Flashback.. 2008

I tend to keep things to myself (believe it or not from someone who blogs). I was in my Parents kitchen talking politics with my Momma and I blurted this out... "This very night in 2008 I was experiencing the worst night of my life." She looked at me puzzled. "What do you mean?" I instantly got red faced and that little sinking feeling came over me. "Oh, nothing.. I was just coming home from Vegas and I was a mess..." To which I knew I had already said too much. I find myself saying more and more things about what I went through before and a lot of it I suppressed for fear of being judged. She looked at me and was like... "Spill it."

Picture it.. Las Vegas, 2008 (Golden Girls Style)..
I was on an Anniversary trip in a pathetic "last ditch" effort to win my (you insert favorite euphemism for him) love and affection back. I cried in a hot tub the night before in a Penthouse Suite in the Bellagio and drank a whole bottle of champagne. "How did I get here?" "What is going on?" "What did I do?" "Where do I go from here?" "How do I pretend that I am okay?" (cue sappy falling apart music). Fast forward to horrible plane ride home, fetal position crying, and lots of turbulence. Then, I also came home to find who I voted for did not win (sorry, those of you who know and love me, know who I voted for).

Four years later...
I woke up and had the day off from Teaching, a career I never would have gotten into if I was still in that previous state of mind, got dressed in clothes that fit me nicely because we all know what I used to look like, lol, voted, got a mani/pedi, look some photos (yeah started a business), and just did what I wanted to do... This all may seem trivial or overly dramatic but to this very day I cannot wrap my head around my past. I also think this is being accelerated by the fact that I have made a very difficult choice to surround myself with amazing people. I am being treated so incredibly well and made to feel special for the first time in my entire life, I have friends that are kind and fun, and my family.. Well, they have stood the test of time. It is funny because it almost seems like a bad Lifetime Movie when I think about it and as I recall that fateful night, I feel nothing but pride. Which, at the time, was the exact opposite of what I was thinking, feeling, and being subjected to in the moment.

The point of this post is that change is inevitable. Especially on the night of a major event like the Election of the President of the United States. I also want to stress that 4 years flies by.. bad or less than desirable times fly by, and there is no such thing as "the worst time of your life" lasting your whole life. I know several people who read this that need to hear that right now. Please know that whatever is hurting your heart, causing you grief, or breaking you down, will, indeed, pass. It can be 4 hrs, 4 days, 4 months, or 4 years, but it will pass. If..You will it to pass.

I am amazed at how different my life is and how I am forgetting more and more about all the B.S., drama, and hurt I was subjected to before I got a backbone. I say it a lot and especially more so recently. I am starting to forget. Every once an a while, it will creep back in and settle for a little bit. I will get the "I am not good enough's" or "RUUUNNN away! You aren't deserving." thoughts but they are few and far between. You know, I almost welcome them now because it's an interesting fight and test. So far, I am winning.

So if you are a "NoBAMA" or "GoBAMA". Change is upon us but the sun will still rise tomorrow (Jason trademark). You just gotta keep moving and that is what I plan on doing.

xoxo-mere