Getting There....

I had a friend post on my Facebook.. "Where has your blog been?" I was a little taken aback when others chimed in and asked too. I am not going to lie.. I have drafted and deleted and drafted and deleted about 12 posts. None of them just worked or did anything for me. It didn't feel right. I think one lesson I have learned (especially the past few years) is that I do things in my own time and if it doesn't feel right, I don't do it.

Which leads me to about... 3ish weeks ago. It happened. I had to face the one person I have tried to completely delete from my existance. I was strong, kept my eye on the prize, and sucked it up. Until.. after we left the realtor and I had a not so great conversation.  Reason why I even type this, I have been riddled with worry with this whole house situation for too long. Especially lately. I have not been myself, I have been pushing people who are trying to help me away, and I slowly feel myself reverting back to how I was when I was still involved in this situation in a different capacity. I like to be alone, okay, I am used to being alone when something is bothering me. I like to pretend like stuff just isn't happening and I stay busy. I don't feel like I have been the daughter, sister, teacher, friend, and girlfriend I should be lately. Then, I worry about all that and how that is making people feel. Worry, worry, worry. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I feel so conflicted lately. I also feel like I have two different sides to myself and I used to be very good at keeping my worries to myself. I guess it's boiled over and it's written all over my face. I also realize that I need to get it off my chest. That whole "I am tough, I don't need anybody" facade I am so good at really isn't working. Then, I started running again and eating a little better and actually facing the things I am worried about slowly. At my own pace. I am getting there. The next few weeks are going to be very stressful, uneasy, anxious, and the only thing that is getting me through is that I know there is an end in sight. An end that is to be followed with some really good rewards.

I started to think about what I would like to do once this stuff is behind me and that lead to a list. A list that will not be published in my blog but I can keep track of and know that each cross off the list will lead to less worry, worry, worry in my life. I am getting there. Slowly but surely and if it doesn't feel right, it won't get crossed off. ;)

This post is very haphazard and probably doesn't make a lot of sense but "it is what it is."

Have a good week the 5 of you that read this!

xoxo-mere