In all seriousness.. I just have felt so blahhhh and run down. So, what do I do? I go on webMD of course! To which I now think I have some disorder of the thyroid I cannot pronounce and at one point, was contemplating ebola virus. This is why I should never be allowed to look up anything medical on the Internet. However, the good news is, is that I am going to seriously check into some stuff and try to get back to feeling better.
I have also been feeling very down about myself, too. I try to stay positive and keep things upbeat but man.. I have been a PIA (Pain in the A** as my Mom calls it). It is pretty bad when YOU can even realize it and then... Other people do. Ugh. (Face Palm) I had a Flashback this weekend to when I was about 10 years old. I was in my Parents room with my Mom (she was putting her makeup on to go out with my Dad). I remember thinking.. "I wish I was pretty like her. I hate myself. I need to go on a diet." 10.years.old. I am not joking. I just started crying and I wouldn't tell her why. (Hormonal? Probably) I just remember my Moms face. She was heartbroken. She told me all sorts of nice things and I could tell she was at a loss since this came out of left field. I was also the type of kid who thought I was pretty damn awesome on outward appearances. In that moment. That's when my love/hate feelings kicked in and it's been like this ever since.
My body image isn't the best. I feel like that 10 year old sometimes. Okay, a lot. lol BUT I don't cry about it. ;) I just keep it in and unfortunately, it comes out in the worst situations and I immediately feel like an idiot for being so needy or whiny sounding/looking/acting. I also don't want to sound like I am "fishing for compliments." I have no idea if this makes any sense but someone out there must get it? Anyone? Bueller?
I also think this stems from my weight loss. I mean, I understand I lost a ton of weight. I have maintained it pretty well over 5 years. I think this is a tough thing for me to understand because I am no longer getting the "OMG! You look amazing!" and honestly, even at the time that made me feel uncomfortable but it was appreciated. Now, I look at myself like "So... I guess I need to step my game up?" I am just me now. Thinner Meredith is just Meredith. It's like the "Wow!" factor is gone. Once again, I am not sure if this makes sense? Maybe those of you out there who have done something similar can understand?
So, my goal is to start liking myself more and taking more time for myself. I do have to say that the first year teaching, adjusting, and trying to get back on my feet financially, have taken over my life to the point where my pride is a bit wounded. I just think I need to take some time for me, work though it (however that may be), and just remember to keep it in perspective (see image above). I have come a long way and although I wish I looked like Kate Upton, I don't and that's.. okay? lol
Have a great week people. I need sunshine in my life! I definitely think that will help my blues. Take care of yourselves and have a great week!
xoxo-mere
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