Random and Permission..

I thought about how many times per day I am asked permission to do something by one of my students. It is about a million.. "Can I use the bathroom?" (which I respond sarcastically.. "I don't know? Can you?") "May I sharpen my pencil?" "May I go to Art Club?" " Is this enough writing?" "Can I stay after-school with you?" On and on and on and on... Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I guess it is something deeply rooted in us to feel like we need permission to do certain things in our lives. It got me thinking about permissions. (my A.D.D. kicked in today about 1:12 pm) I am in a really good place. A place that I am almost scared to vocalize or give myself "permission" to feel good about or feel for myself for fear that the ball will drop. "What if I allow myself to feel happy and something bad happens?" My good friends know this to be true, I will blurt out something that I am feeling or thinking and immediately make this face...

Inside, my brain is saying.. "Oh No!!!!! I said it!!! It's in the Universe! Now, Baby Jesus is going to show me!" 

Now go back to random thought about permission. In the midst of the chaos that is my life in 207, I thought about allowing myself to be.. happy. Because truth me told, I am. I said it. It's out there and I did not make the face above. You.are.welcome. The past 3 years I have really been bad about being in tune with positive feelings. I know what I want in life, do I tell people? Not really. Do I need to? No, I am pretty transparent. As much as I know that I want it all, it scares me a little to think too far ahead.

One year ago my life was so different. I was preparing to end student teaching, it was actually Spring outside, and my perspective on life was a lot different. I am lucky, happy, and dare I say..a little excited. All good things. 

My Dad literally just walked out of my room after a 30 minute conversation about this very topic. I love him, he totally gets me. The best thing I can do is "Live in the Now." Thanks, Dad. Noted and done.

I am almost finished with KTIP!!!!! (reason why I have not been posting much) Lots of work and mini-break downs left but with that said, I have amazing news.. I am the proud owner of an iPhone 5. I am in looooooove and I don't care who knows it!!!

Have a wonderful rest of your week! Spring Break in t-minus 3 days, think sunshine, and a Cardinal Championship! 

xoxo-mere

Perspective

I have not been myself lately. There, I put it out in the Universe. Ya'll happy? lol

In all seriousness.. I just have felt so blahhhh and run down. So, what do I do? I go on webMD of course! To which I now think I have some disorder of the thyroid I cannot pronounce and at one point, was contemplating ebola virus. This is why I should never be allowed to look up anything medical on the Internet. However, the good news is, is that I am going to seriously check into some stuff and try to get back to feeling better.

I have also been feeling very down about myself, too. I try to stay positive and keep things upbeat but man.. I have been a PIA (Pain in the A** as my Mom calls it). It is pretty bad when YOU can even realize it and then... Other people do. Ugh. (Face Palm) I had a Flashback this weekend to when I was about 10 years old. I was in my Parents room with my Mom (she was putting her makeup on to go out with my Dad). I remember thinking.. "I wish I was pretty like her. I hate myself. I need to go on a diet." 10.years.old. I am not joking. I just started crying and I wouldn't tell her why. (Hormonal? Probably) I just remember my Moms face. She was heartbroken. She told me all sorts of nice things and I could tell she was at a loss since this came out of left field. I was also the type of kid who thought I was pretty damn awesome on outward appearances. In that moment. That's when my love/hate feelings kicked in and it's been like this ever since.

My body image isn't the best. I feel like that 10 year old sometimes. Okay, a lot. lol BUT I don't cry about it. ;) I just keep it in and unfortunately, it comes out in the worst situations and I immediately feel like an idiot for being so needy or whiny sounding/looking/acting. I also don't want to sound like I am "fishing for compliments." I have no idea if this makes any sense but someone out there must get it? Anyone? Bueller?

I also think this stems from my weight loss. I mean, I understand I lost a ton of weight. I have maintained it pretty well over 5 years. I think this is a tough thing for me to understand because I am no longer getting the "OMG! You look amazing!" and honestly, even at the time that made me feel uncomfortable but it was appreciated. Now, I look at myself like "So... I guess I need to step my game up?" I am just me now. Thinner Meredith is just Meredith. It's like the "Wow!" factor is gone. Once again, I am not sure if this makes sense? Maybe those of you out there who have done something similar can understand?

So, my goal is to start liking myself more and taking more time for myself. I do have to say that the first year teaching, adjusting, and trying to get back on my feet financially, have taken over my life to the point where my pride is a bit wounded. I just think I need to take some time for me, work though it (however that may be), and just remember to keep it in perspective (see image above). I have come a long way and although I wish I looked like Kate Upton, I don't and that's.. okay? lol

Have a great week people. I need sunshine in my life! I definitely think that will help my blues. Take care of yourselves and have a great week!

xoxo-mere

A Quickie

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 
― Bob Marley

Yeah, mon.. I am exhausted but I came across this quote and I cannot stop reading it because it sums up exactly what I have and needed to realize. One more.. this is probably my favorite. Marley gets me!

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.” 
― Bob Marley