Whatever will be, will be. I have realized that I have a lot of expectations for myself. That isn't necessarily a BAD thing per say, but it can make me feel like... dare I say it.. a failure. Oh God! I said it. lol I am a big fan of making lists and setting goals. Evrybody knows (for Jame) that. I am also an expert at putting my hands over my ears and closing my eyes and saying "this isn't happening!" I am in a strange place. I have made some final decisions that will rid me of the 1 thing that has been causing my life stress and lack of stability. Remember my New Years Resolutions? It impacts 2 of them BIG time.
I am about to say some things that I never.. ever.. put out there. They need to be said and never mentioned again. So, here we go. Emotional purge 4 years in the making. Ready? Set? Go.
For most of you who actually read this, you all have been on this crazy journey with me longer than 4 years. You saw me at my worst, unhappiest, unstablest (is that a word?), and you also saw me literally COMPLETELY START OVER. Rebuilding your life isn't easy and man, I wish someone would have warned me. lol
I am very proud of myself, do not get me wrong. I have maintained my health, went back to school, Teaching, Built a business, blah, blah, blah. BUT let's talk about what I really am rebuilding.... My self-worth. I cannot wrap my mind around the chaos and selflessness I lived in for so long. I wish so badly I could articulate it and I honestly cannot. My confidence has always been an issue, I am my worst critic, I beat myself up constantly, but I have gotten better. I am slowly starting to see that what I am doing is making a difference, trying to treat myself a little better each day, and although I have a long way to go, I am working at it, learning from stupid things that I say to and about myself, and loving myself a little more. I am so lucky. It scares me to think about what I would be today had I not gone through the storm. I say this all the time to people who email me, call me, send me private messages on Facebook about how to get through a rough time. YOU.JUST.DO.IT. There is so many things to look forward to in life. Just don't set expectations that you cannot follow through with, don't worry too far into the future, don't look back into the past too much, don't expect, just live.
It may sound so strange but I am not going to put too much pressure on "what's next?" I know that whatever is next, will be what should be. I have so much anxiousness about the next few weeks. What will it be like to finally be free? What will it be like to NEVER have to worry about certain things again? What will it be like to really start over? I mean, clean slate, done-zo! It makes me excited in all sorts of ways. I do know that I have the chance to start crossing things off my list and a huge weight (no pun intended) will be lifted and someonesssselses problem. I cannot wait to finally say and mean "the worst time of my life was..."
In other news, I am through Cycle 2 of KTIP! Praise the Lord and pass the biscuits! Speaking of biscuits, I am down 11 pounds with my "Biggest Loser" challenge at work. Only 4 more to be back at my lowest weight. Yes, sexy is on it's way back. I am also ready for Spring. Can I get an Amen for Mr. Groundhog?!
Have a good week.
xoxo-mere
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