There's no one here to save...

I recently read about Nora Ephron's death this week and I was very sad. She was a dynamic woman who didn't seem to sweat the small stuff and was very powerful with her words. I pinned this little gem on Pinterest last night because I was feeling very, very, defeated.  I have been feeling stuck in this "transition" as everyone calls it for wayyyyy too long and sister needs some stability. Long story short. Exes suck, the end.

I got to thinking laying (tossing and turning) in bed last night. As the clock crept towards 2:30 am I realized something, "I control my life. I have done a pretty damn good job for 3ish years, so what the hell am I really worried about?" Okay, so my house situation is annoying, I am itching for school to start for that almighty paycheck and routine, and... I am allowing myself to really be vulnerable in a certain situation. All in all, there are aspects of my life to feel anxious or defeated (slightly) because they are out of my control but NONE of them are out of my reach in time and with hard work. 

A perfect testament to this is the above picture. I call it Project Ugh. I fell of the wagon of tracking my food and constancy in working out and eating well. I was drinking and partying (no harm, no foul) but it wasn't helping my skinny jeans. I got back on track and have lost a good amount of weight the past 2 weeks and I feel better about my body when I am living a healthy lifestyle. It made me think... The girl in the red toile dress was trapped in SO many ways. Trapped in a horrible marriage, dead end jobs, I didn't have my bachelors degree, and I was trapped in a body that I absolutely detested and often cried about having. THAT girl needed saving. The girl in the yellow dress is a hero. She got out of that bad and borderline abusive marriage, she just got her Masters degree in a field she LOVES, THAT girl is going to live her dream of being a teacher and started a fabulous photography business, THAT girl ate less and moved more (5K's and a 1/2 marathon, TYVM), THAT girl is pretty damn amazing and you know what? I need to appreciate her more for saving me. 

Have a good week love muffins.

xoxo-mere

"You get what you put out in the world, Mere"

Friends. They are at the core of who I am and I must say, I have some pretty amazing ones in my life. My role usually is therapist and I like that role because it suits me very well. The people in my life that know me and I mean truly know me have been in my my life for various lengths. Some over 10, 20 years. Others a year or two. I have this innate ability to mask the truth of my feelings. I can shut down anger, sadness, or anxiousness. Much, in large part, thanks to my past dealings. I am in such a transition right now and I want to free myself of the excuses of my past and how I dealt with things before by putting up a front or guard. It is getting to be exhausting. I fight myself constantly in the struggle to allow myself to think about positive outcomes in my life for the future. I just have this fear of being let down or worse... not allowed to have the opportunities that I desperately  (because Meredith Craig isn't desperate) REALLY want to experience. That is where good friends come in to the mix.

Last night, my BFFs Jamie and Melissa were talking and the conversation went from husbands, babies, sex, drinking, to me (naturally) and they had to pull out the crow bar to get me to tell them what was on my mind. I said "Nothing really?" and they called B.S. which, I think is their Mom Instincts taking over. lol Jamie really made me think about what I say to defend my feelings. I have this way of saying the opposite of what I think will happen. So, instead of "Yeah, when..." I say "It's probably not going to happen.." I don't do it to get a reaction from anyone, I do it so that if it doesn't happen I won't be hurt as badly. Then you have to think, "Will it really not hurt as much?"

So, in my quest to be more positive and happy, I am really going to be conscious of what I put out there in terms of my words. It will not be easy but I think in the end.. It will really be worth it.

In other news, I graduated on Saturday. I am a Master. :)

Have a great week loves. XOXO-Meredith