I have a 2 week old. When did THAT happen?

I tell him he can have a pony or power wheel everyday.....

2 weeks.  I know I say this ALL the time but it truly has been a blur. I hate it because I feel like I have been wishing this time away so I can get him home. Since I am "1 and done." It makes it even more bittersweet.

I finally have a routine down. I don't handle when things aren't on "schedule" very well. I come in between 9-10:30 and we chat, read a story, then kangaroo, then he eats. After that I meet with the Nurse Practioner or Doctor and report to Daddy if he's at work and family. After that, I go home and let dogs out, drop a load of laundry in, leave, come back for his 5:30 and 8:30 feedings, in between I grab some dinner, and if Jason's working, he gets up there right after and we weigh him, change him, I pump for the 8 time that day, and we go home.... Which is the worst feeling in the world. 

If you happen to look at your clock at it's 10 pm, I'm probably feeling sick to my stomach. Some days, it isn't so bad. Especially when he has Angie as his night shift Nurse. She's amazing and I don't think she will ever know what a source of comfort she's been. She's the one in the video of me holding him for the first time. She's a Mama and a very good Nurse. 

We have had a lot of firsts here... Things that I thought we would do at home but I smile anyway because this is what it is. He's got to get bigger, eat all his meals by mouth, and regulate his body temperature. They call white, immature, male, preemies, WIMPS. This guy doesn't appreciate that term and is proving them all wrong. He's eating by cues now so we watch him to see if he recognizes it's time to eat and he's being swaddled with clothes, which is one step closer to being out of his isolette. 

*WHO YOU CALLING A WINP?!?!*

He's really the sweetest and toughest boy I know. He's ready to be home with his family. He's his Daddy spit out and you know I love that and those dimples. It's the greatest love I've ever known and it's what makes my heart hurt. I still struggle with the guilt of it all. I'll get there some day. For now, we are working every minute to get out of here. Maybe then, I'll feel a little less guilt. 

Charlie Birth Story

My conversations with the Drs about myself I honestly don't remember. I know that when you're put on a magnesium drip for over 30 hours, you're kind of in trouble. I felt like I had the flu. That's the best way to describe it. My breath was so hot it hurt. 

I got wheeled into the operating room. I could barely breathe. I felt like I was about 6 years old and wanted to lose my mind. I just remember how heavy my legs felt and the sensation to move them was killing me. Moments that seemed like a flash went by. 

Then I heard him cry and I thought my whole body was going to rise out of me. "look at all that hair." "He's so long!" All I wanted to hear is "Wow! Listen to him breathe!" or "He's so heavy I need help lifting him!" 

I just wanted to see him! Come on, can I just touch him? Kiss him? Look him in the eye? Jason ran over while they looked him over and he wrapped his finger around his hand. He was over there for what seemed like an eternity. I just kept asking if he was okay but I don't think anyone could hear me. They wheeled him over to me in his isolette. I felt like I was in jail. In that moment, no other emotional or physical pain is ever felt in my entire life measured up. My heart was broken in and I fell in love in one swoop. 

3 pounds, 6 ounces. 17 inches long. I remember thinking that I'd once lost three pounds 6 ounces at Weight Watchers in one week. 

I was told 1 hour after I would get to see him. 30 later, I got to. Let's just say, it's safe to not relive those 30 hours. I had to come of the magnesium before I could hold him. 

Fast forward to this. 

The single greatest moment of my life to date. My Dad and Bro took Jason to eat and my Mom was with me. It was magical. That hat was just too much I couldn't take it. I got to hold my baby bird. 

I wish I could talk to myself 5 years ago. I would sit her down and say, "You're going to get everything you have ever wanted. You are going to have to work harder for it than you can imagine. You are going to fail, try again, cry, fight, laugh, get pissed a lot, but you're going to have it. And when you get it, it's going to be so amazing you won't even remember how you got there or your life before it." My best friend, Jill text me the other night and said, "I know it's crazy, but I can't imagine when Charlie wasn't yours." I think the same thing. 

"This isn't in my plans!"

Oh, my plans! You know Teacher's know how to do 1 thing well and that is... PLAN! When my pregnancy plans went out the window 6 days ago, we had a crisis level 3 meltdown in my hospital room.

I had been feeling pretty sick since Monday. I woke up with nausea, back and chest pain. I had to meet my new team mates, start planning for maternity leave, decorate my room! I have newborns and families and clients to take care of! I have to edit! I have to respond to emails, messages, texts, figure out his nursery! OMG his furniture is STILL not here! Let's say, the Iran nuclear situation looked like Woodstock compared to my brain function at this point.

I called my Mom, cried, called my Dr, cried, and then said, "Screw this, I have stuff to do." and off I went. My team mates were probably thinking I was nuts because I literally wanted to curl up and die but I got through the day and I felt better. Tuesday, felt great, Wednesday at 4:30 am... I couldn't ignore it anymore. Luckily, I had my 33 week appointment and another growth check ultrasound scheduled. I would be just fine!

Got to the Dr and literally thought I was having an outer body experience. Jason was quiet, so I knew he was worried. I finally get called back to do the ultrasound. Being on my back felt like a death wish. I seriously thought my chest was going to explode, I just kept saying, "MY CHEST HURTS!" I felt like no one was listening, I just couldn't take it anymore!!!!

Then, they checked my vitals. "Oh my God, you need to calm down. Your blood pressure is at stroke level." Because, when one tells you that, you really calm down. She rechecked it and my urine. 162/100. I panicked.

That 10 minutes makes my hurt. I was worried about gaining weight during my pregnancy. I didn't. I just felt so superficial in that moment. That is nothing compared to what I went through. I think that is where some of my guilt stems. And if you tell me it's not my fault, I will punch you. I am not there yet to accept it was just something that happened.

So, my Dr comes in and says (without looking at me), "You've just won a trip to the hospital."

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? THIS IS NOT MY PLAN! I cannot be on bed rest for 7 weeks!!! *Go back to Nuclear meltdown above* Oh, if only bed rest was the cure.

I get to the hospital and it was the longest ride in my life. I had the worst pain in my life in my chest, I literally wanted to go to sleep. Hours later, ultrasounds later, and a magnesium drip to prevent me going into seizures (it spiked to 191/102) the high risk Dr comes in. I have no idea what she said except, "You're having this baby tonight."

"Um, excuse, me? No, No I am not." Then the Neonatal Dr came in.. and then, "Yes, get him out now."

I am not ready to get into the rest of this just yet but I don't remember a lot. It is not for dramatic affect, it's just I was very sick. I am getting ready to go see my love muffin. More to come.

I am a Mama.

Well, it's been a while. Life is a funny thing. It's definitely crazy and I don't mean that in a bad way. You just get so wrapped up in the deadlines, daily dramas, etc, that I don't step back as much as I used to but now, more than ever, I think it is time.

Married life has been great. We love our home, friends, and family. Jason finished Grad School, my school and photography life has been good. Just "livin' the dream" as they say! Which leads me to "the other man in my life." No, I do not mean some Rico Suave. Unless, you are talking about my 3 pound, 6 ounce hunk of man waiting for his Mama to sit with him in the NICU....

I have wanted this my entire life. Since about the age of 5 when people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and without hesitation I would say, "A Mommy." Babies do something magical to me that I just cannot describe. That is why I often grit my teeth (like my Dad does when he visits the baby) when I am around one. When you want something more than life and you may not be able to have it, it kind of paralyzes you. I am not getting into my back story with fertility. That part of my life is dead and for good reason but let's say, when it came to getting pregnant, I had concerns.

Meeting Jason, accelerated those concerns. Before him, I just wanted a baby. After him, I wanted one with HIM. Yeah, I know we sound obnoxiously adorable (trust me we are not- haha) but he's about as close to perfect for me as you can get. A few months before our Wedding, I went to a specialist to get this stuff sorted out, figure out my chances, and pray. I went through various tests, etc and I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS. In fact, my Dr. was floored I hadn't been diagnosed sooner! Basically, you have some female issues and getting pregnant can be very difficult. I was pretty upset but I felt good that I knew what we were dealing with. About 5 months after we were married, I started taking a drug to help me ovulate.

Talk about taking the spontaneity out of life! HAHA Each negative round felt like I was being nun chucked in the heart but I think it was preparing me for the feeling of true elation once I got that positive test. On round 3, I got my positive and no more waiting, worrying about surgeries, scheduling, and crying when "EVERYONE ELSE IS PREGNANT BUT ME" moments. It was the best moment of my life in that moment.

I woke up December 19, 2014 (the last day of school before Christmas Break), so defeated. I had been taking tests all week and they were all negative. I wanted to give Jason a wonderful birthday gift  a few days before that but the timing wasn't right. I couldn't contain myself and I literally got to work like a child needing severe ADD medication. It was crazy. After blood test confirmed, beta levels checked multiple times, and waiting for that 6 week ultrasound. I hear his little heart and mine burst. I finally grew up to be what I wanted, "A Mommy."

Weeks of wanting to burst later, me letting the cat out of the bag on Instagram because again, I am a child, and lots of excitement later. We were really pregnant and September 1, 2015 seemed like an eternity away.

I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy. Hadn't gained much weight, no real issues, felt decent, loved tomatoes and lemonade and pizza. I wore that bump with pride! Which sucks because I miss it like crazy now.

Things were uneventful until about 1/2 way when after routine visits, my Dr. diagnosed me with "Gestational hypertension" and it wasn't even that bad! I thought they were being silly about it, my blood pressure was normal and I had no other symptoms... geez people!

At my 29 week appointment we did a growth check ultrasound and he was right in the middle and looking good. No issues. 4 weeks later.....

The ball dropped.

Perspective and I know... It's been a while.

I know... I am hanging my head in shame. I am blogging for the first time as a married woman! Almost 6 months married... lol

The Wedding was ah-ma-zing. Perfect day, people, life. Good, good, good. I am lucky and blessed to share my life with my husband. (and yes, it still feels good to say that)

I tend to write when my brain is jumbled or feels like it's leaking. While, I am ready to talk about some stuff, there are just some things I am going to keep on the D.L. For now, anyway.

I have been feeling very stretched lately. Almost like a "Stretch Armstrong" doll that was broken and the gooey stuff hardened? You know? I am not as flexible feeling as I normally am and you know what, I don't care. Really, I don't.

Epiphany time!!! I am 1 person, I have a lot of worth, people value me and my talents. At the end of everyday, I do my best. I try to make things better for those around me but lately... blahhhhh to all of you. Guess why? I don't care.

Yeah, I do. I do care. So, if you see me and my face looks stressed, I care that you may feel like anything I am wearing on my face is directed at you. Chances are, it's not. If you see me and I look worn out, I am. Success is a crazy balance. I want to be great at everything I do and I am realizing (slowly) that some stuff just has to give. So... If I don't volunteer for something at school or I don't want to take your 3 year olds pictures at his Birthday Party, or I want to take a weekend off to be with my :::husband::: <3 I am going to, and yes, I still care.

This post is brought to you by the chaos in my brain. Heart your faces! Hope I haven't lost any of you all!

xo-mere

"All you have to do is die and pay taxes."

I love my friend, Jill. She puts things in perspective for me. I have been feeling the crunch of Wedding stuff and I have found myself saying "But I will feel bad if I don't..." (insert whatever you want after don't) I called Jill for some "who do I invite advice." She said many things that rang true but the gist of it is that I need to surround us with the people who have supported, loved, cared, and are GENUINELY happy for us. So. I am. Let's face it, I can't make everyone happy. She also reminded me that I don't have to do anything but die and pay taxes. Thanks, Beavis.

My girlfriends are so wonderful. They have been there every step of the way in this crazy and bumpy process. I have to be honest, I had not really allowed myself to "enjoy" all of it. I have had some financial burdens, old unfinished business, and some family stuff. Through it all, I had my Fab 3. I want to thank them for my mindless ranting, worries, and frustrations.

I made my mind up about a week ago that I was going to "give it all up to God." For someone who isn't overtly religious, this was a stretch. I believe in God, don't get me wrong but I haven't been someone who prays. Someone who thinks a higher power would get me through stuff. Mostly, because I have just put the weight of the world on my shoulders and just woke up and went to bed each day.

Immediately, I felt guilty. "Like Jesus really needs my silly burdens... I mean, we have an Olympics to win." I just went with it and guess what? Things are starting to fall into place. I also realized how lucky I am. I mean, 2 years ago... seems like forever. 5 years, holy cow.

I am 38 days away from marrying someone who drives me insane most days but I couldn't imagine my life without him, his dimples, Stella, or his amazing family and friends.

So, I am officially "excited" "ready" and "over the petty stuff."

Have a good week. Don't sweat the small stuff.

And pay your taxes.

xoxo-mere

Thankful. Grateful. All sorts of "fuls"

This post shall be pretty short and sweet. I am knee deep in photos and preparing my kiddos for the next round of Proficiency tests. I am sitting in my beautiful home with the glow of our Christmas tree (cut me some slack, Jason works this weekend so we had to decorate the inside early. The outside still is very Fallish) and I am flooded with reminders and flashbacks that this life of mine is so good.

The girl in the photo above (credit:Dirt and Lace Photography) is of a girl who was scared to death and just lived day to day. A girl who wanted so many things for an uncertain future. Little did she know how quickly her life would change. My life is fuller, richer, much more stressful, and a mess of gorgeous chaos. I am so blessed beyond measure.

I was reminded by some colleagues this week that many of our kiddos actually dread the holidays. Many of them will miss the consistency of school, nourishment, and love from their very over-worked teacher(s). I am reminded that this time of year is also difficult for people who have lost loved ones. Losing my amazing Grandmother at Christmas 10 years ago broke my heart and is a pain I feel daily even to this very moment. She would have been such a pillar of strength me and I hope I have made her proud. I am reminded of how I am lucky to have new family members and my Parents and Brother. I am still blessed beyond measure.

I think back to just last Thanksgiving with Jason meeting my family, and now to this year and all the wonderful excitement surrounding us in getting married. I can only imagine what the next year will hold. I know whether it be full of positive events or struggle, I am always blessed beyond measure.

Happy Thanksgiving. Don't eat too much. ;)

xoxo-mere